The clouds rolled in and a toothless smile

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After some amazing weeks of sunny weather, the clouds rolled in this morning. Seeing them reminded me how much I love the clouds of fall after a hot summer (yes, I’m a complete wuss- 75 is hot to me). The clouds reminded me that if I was healed, this is when I’d be pregnant to keep our tradition of 2 years between children.

Then I went to church all alone (the boys were sick and Charming stayed home with them) and sat by a couple with one of the cutest baby girls I’ve ever seen. She sat so content in her mother’s arms, watching me with bright blue eyes and big toothless smiles. Man, I wanted to hold her.

Then I taught Charming’s Sunday School class and conducted during Relief Society. As I left church, I saw the same little baby girl. She was very tired and clinging to her father and then mother, burying her tiny face into her parent’s shoulder and crying the most adorably sad baby cry. And that was when something inside me snapped.

I walked to my car and with every step, I felt the flare-up of pain coursing through my hips and pelvis that happens every time I teach or conduct. Since I’d done both today, it was even worse than usual. I knew I’d have to go home and do the same dadgum routine I do every day: rest, stretch, ice-heat-ice. The routine that reminded me, yet again, that despite the clouds of fall, I couldn’t have the promise of a tiny baby with a toothless grin growing inside of me.

So I went home and gathered my husband in one arm, my baby with lots of teeth in the other arm and I buried my own face into Charming’s shoulder. And I cried a sad mommy cry.

When you think you’re going to die and you don’t– It’s very freeing.

Wow.

That’s probably the longest title I’ve ever used, but it’s absolutely true.

When you really think you’re going to die and then you don’t– It’s incredibly freeing.

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My mind has been very full lately.

I feel like I’m constantly thinking of different things throughout the day as I care for the boys and our home.

Do we have enough milk in the fridge to last until Charming goes to Costco on Saturday?

Is it time for me to start making lunch?

When was the last time I changed Boots’ diaper?

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I’ve also started writing stories again and recently decided to finally write that LDS Romance Novel I’ve always wanted to write.

So that’s been filling my mind, too.

What should I name the heroine?

What does she look like?

How should I start it?

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And then the snow storms moved in this week and my mind got even more full.

One of our trees fell over and I wondered, “Did the trunk damage our new patio? Now we don’t have shade there anymore… Should we plant another tree?”

And today, I wondered, “Should I reschedule my appointment with my new doctor? Or should we go ahead and drive there in the snow?”

Because in the back of my full mind, I feel the constant weight of questions that worry me.

Will my hips ever heal?

Will my pelvis ever heal?

Will I ever be able to shop at a store again?

Will I ever be able to run with my children again?

Will I be able to have more children?

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After 10 months of pain, limited mobility and watching life from the sidelines, it’s wearing me down.

And when I recently mailed off an application for a disabled parking placard, it was very bittersweet.

But then my parents and siblings said they’d pray and fast for me and boy has that helped!

They also encouraged me to find a specialist and I did!

So, despite the snow, we still wanted to go to my appointment.  I asked Charming (a veteran snow-driver) to drive me and then confirmed with the clinic that the weather wasn’t too bad.

And with hope shining brightly in my mind, we prayed for safety, drove to the city and embarked on a new path of assessment and treatment options. (Hurray!!)

And then.

As we were driving on the freeway back to home, Charming accidentally hit a slick build-up of snow.

And we lost control.

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Our van started sliding and spinning through the middle of traffic.

And as I watched the scene unfold before me in slow motion, I thought we were going to die.

Realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it, I closed my eyes, clutched tightly to my seat belt and desperately said, “Heavenly Father, Please!”

WHAM!!

Our back bumper slammed into the guard rail off the shoulder of the freeway and our van stopped sliding.

Stunned and breathing heavily, I opened my eyes.

I’m alive!!!

I looked over at Charming.

He’s okay!!!

We looked back at Baby– sitting in the exact corner of the van that hit the guard rail.

He’s kicking his feet and babbling!!!!

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And then I thought of Boots.

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And Brother.

Who were playing at their friend’s house.

I’m still with them!!!

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And now I feel free.

Who cares if my hips never heal?

Who cares what I name my heroine?

Who cares if we run out of milk?

Who cares if I spill all my Costco cookies onto the garage floor?

I don’t.

Because Heavenly Father answers prayers.

And I’m alive!!!

And that’s all that really matters.