Armed assailant vandalizes toilet tissue

September 12th, 2008

The Associated Press

BUBBERSVILLE – A home in the suburbs was unexpectedly vandalized yesterday morning between the hours of 7:00 and 8:00 a.m. when an armed assailant silently attacked a helpless roll of toilet tissue.

Police were notified immediately and quickly arrived at the scene of the crime.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” reported Sgt. Mullen, the first officer to arrive on the scene, “The damage was complete and utterly ruthless.”

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Experts estimate the extent of the damage to reach into the high one dollar range.

“I think it happened while I was taking a shower,” reported Heidi, the owner of the home and primary user of the toilet tissue.

The suspect was described as quite young and fled the scene of the crime wearing only one sock and armed with a deadly wooden hammer.

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So far, search attempts to locate the suspect have been unsuccessful.

“He moves pretty fast, but he couldn’t have gone far,” Sgt. Mullen said, “Just in case he strikes again, I strongly recommend everyone keep their bathrooms locked up tight.”

In addition, homeowners in the neighborhood have been cautioned to keep all toilet tissue at least three feet above the ground.

“If we’re not careful, all toilet tissue everywhere is at risk for attack,” Heidi said, kneeling down on her bathroom floor and burying her face in the limp pile of tissue.

Citizens have been warned to report any sitings of the armed suspect to a special police hotline: 1-800-ONE-SOCK.

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Suzanne | 9/13/2008 1:37 am

I just seen him before running as fast as he could down our street. (I have an award on my blog for you).

Heidi | 9/14/2008 8:22 am

Oh boy, you better watch out, then! :)

Thank you for the award! Is it the “I Love Your Blog” one?

I am amazed at how many awards you get–that’s awesome!

Wandering Nana-Linda | 9/13/2008 5:06 am

I noticed you have a lock on your toilet seat..Good.. because if you didn’t the perpetrator would open the lid and hide the said toilet paper in there and then he would probably flush and all the evidence against him would be gone and probably stuck in a pipe somewhere in the house! Which by the way, to avoid said perpetrator from learning another life of crime…DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT flush toilet in front of the one sock wanted individual. (otherwise you find all the things that are ending up in the vent holes will soon be found or seen going down in the toilet)

Kedra Simpson | 9/13/2008 12:02 pm

You are so incredibly funny! I too have had my far share of perpetrators while in the shower. It is fun to see what they will come up with next.

Your hair blog is hilarious too! I love your hair cut! YOu look great!

Darcy D | 9/13/2008 4:26 pm

That is so devistating! I sure hope you guys are alright! I’m hoping the photo will give the police enough to catch the guy. We can only hope that all within the community will join in the manhunt!


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