That’s probably the longest title I’ve ever used, but it’s absolutely true.

When you really think you’re going to die and then you don’t– It’s incredibly freeing.

My mind has been very full lately.

I feel like I’m constantly thinking of different things throughout the day as I care for the boys and our home.

Do we have enough milk in the fridge to last until Charming goes to Costco on Saturday?

Is it time for me to start making lunch?

When was the last time I changed Boots’ diaper?

I’ve also started writing stories again and recently decided to finally write that LDS Romance Novel I’ve always wanted to write.

So that’s been filling my mind, too.

What should I name the heroine?

What does she look like?

How should I start it?

And then the snow storms moved in this week and my mind got even more full.

One of our trees fell over and I wondered, “Did the trunk damage our new patio? Now we don’t have shade there anymore… Should we plant another tree?”

And today, I wondered, “Should I reschedule my appointment with my new doctor? Or should we go ahead and drive there in the snow?”

Because in the back of my full mind, I feel the constant weight of questions that worry me.

Will my hips ever heal?

Will my pelvis ever heal?

Will I ever be able to shop at a store again?

Will I ever be able to run with my children again?

Will I be able to have more children?

After 10 months of pain, limited mobility and watching life from the sidelines, it’s wearing me down.

And when I recently mailed off an application for a disabled parking placard, it was very bittersweet.

But then my parents and siblings said they’d pray and fast for me and boy has that helped!

They also encouraged me to find a specialist and I did!

So, despite the snow, we still wanted to go to my appointment.  I asked Charming (a veteran snow-driver) to drive me and then confirmed with the clinic that the weather wasn’t too bad.

And with hope shining brightly in my mind, we prayed for safety, drove to the city and embarked on a new path of assessment and treatment options. (Hurray!!)

And then.

As we were driving on the freeway back to home, Charming accidentally hit a slick build-up of snow.

And we lost control.

Our van started sliding and spinning through the middle of traffic.

And as I watched the scene unfold before me in slow motion, I thought we were going to die.

Realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it, I closed my eyes, clutched tightly to my seat belt and desperately said, “Heavenly Father, Please!”

WHAM!!

Our back bumper slammed into the guard rail off the shoulder of the freeway and our van stopped sliding.

Stunned and breathing heavily, I opened my eyes.

I’m alive!!!

I looked over at Charming.

He’s okay!!!

We looked back at Baby– sitting in the exact corner of the van that hit the guard rail.

He’s kicking his feet and babbling!!!!

And then I thought of Boots.

And Brother.

Who were playing at their friend’s house.

I’m still with them!!!

—-

And now I feel free.

Who cares if my hips never heal?

Who cares what I name my heroine?

Who cares if we run out of milk?

Who cares if I spill all my Costco cookies onto the garage floor?

I don’t.

Because Heavenly Father answers prayers.

And I’m alive!!!

And that’s all that really matters.

We hope you all have a warm, magical and spiritual Christmas!

I held him close and considered my answer as I walked us carefully down the stairs.  He in his pajamas and I in my church clothes, ready to leave for the temple while Charming stayed home with the kids.

Reverently, I told my dear Boots, “I’m going to the temple because I love God.  And I want to feel close to Him.”

“Oh,” he replied sweetly, with his wonderful, chubby arms wrapped around my neck and his warm cheek still pressed to mine.

I smiled and held him tighter.

—-

I got up early this morning and went to the temple while the sun was still rising.

And for the first time ever, I was by myself!

I’ve always gone with Charming in the past, but recently we decided to start going by ourselves as we’re able.  That way we can go even before Baby is old enough for a sitter.

So, I went today and I missed having my husband with me.  But it was so wonderful to be back at the temple.  I hadn’t gone since before Baby was born and I really needed it.

Since I was by myself, I was very quiet and attentive to everything.

Just as I anticipated, I felt different the moment I drove onto the temple grounds.  The presence of the Holy Ghost was unmistakable and I just soaked it in like a long-lost, treasured friend.  I love going back to the temple after a hiatus, because then I appreciate it more.

I couldn’t stop smiling as I breathed in the cool, moist air of early morning and admired the gorgeous fall colors.  It was heavenly.

While I was inside the temple, I thought a lot about my family.  I thanked Heavenly Father for my husband.  For Brother.  And Boots.  And Baby.  I thought about how much joy my posterity brings me.  And how much I want to be with them forever.

I also thought about my physical body.  What a gift it is.  And how much I hope to be able to have more children with it.

At another time, I realized how easy it was to feel love for others when I’m inside the temple.  It’s like I shed all the worries and cares of the world and my eyes are able to see only the good in others.  It was so refreshing.  I loved it and wished I could be there with my parents.  And my siblings.  And Charming’s parents.  So we could feel that heavenly bond of love and eternity.

Then I decided that when my children are grown and married, I want to go to the temple with them when we go to visit.  I want to see my children and their spouses with my temple eyes.  And feel that glimpse of heaven together.

When I went home afterward, my heart was still full of love and joy and my temple eyes lingered.  I was so excited to see my husband and sons again.

As Boots came running up to me with bright eyes, I remembered his question from earlier.  And as he excitedly told me, “Come, Mommy, come!”, grabbed my finger with his adorably chubby fist, and then led me to Baby and Daddy hiding in the corner, I remembered my answer.

I do love God.  And when I go to the temple, I do feel closer to Him.

Words will never describe what a profound gift he is. Our family cherishes and loves this little boy with all our hearts. Thank you, Baby, for coming to our home. I am honored to be your mother.

We went on our first family-of-five hike! Brother has been wanting to see some real caves, so Charming and I tried to fulfill that wish. After searching the internet, this hike was the nearest caves we could find. Unfortunately, they weren’t the kind you could walk inside and explore which is what Brother wanted the most (although he was fascinated and frightened by the idea all at the same time).

Even though the “caves” weren’t what we’d hoped, we all had a wonderful time enjoying nature. Seeing slugs. And spider webs. Seeing more slugs. Being carried by Mom and Dad. Accidentally stepping on slugs. Using head lamps and flashlights. Walking through tree stumps. Wearing our emergency whistles. And seeing more slugs.

We were especially impressed that Brother hiked almost the entire time (a total of 2 miles) and he carried our first aid kit to boot! It cracked me up to watch Boots kicking back and relaxing on Daddy’s back while eating/snacking/drinking pretty much the entire time. And Baby was a great sport. All he wanted was to be at home sleeping in his bed, but he made the best of sitting in the new Ergo carrier I was testing out.

And speaking of carrying babies… I absolutely loved the Ergo. But my hips did not. :( Actually, it was more like my hips didn’t like the hike (especially the incline parts) or the Ergo. And by the time I hobbled to the van, my whole pelvis felt like jello and both hips reverberated with a deep, pounding ache with every step I took. If it weren’t for the walking stick Charming found for me, he would have had to carry me back to the van. By the end, I had a great love for that little walker that mother nature had provided for me in my time of need.

It was a great time, though! If the weather holds out, Charming may try to take the boys on some more. And hopefully by next year, I’ll be healed and stable enough to try again. I’ll also be smarter– and have a packed “hike bag” full of headlamps, flashlights, whistles, emergency orange bandannas, etc., etc. all ready to grab and go, so I can have peace of mind and convenience without the hassle of gathering and putting away everything from our 72-hour kits each time.

Now without further ado, here is “The Caves Hike”…

—–

Charming and I recently had a discussion about the boys and thought it might help them to add more structure to their day.  We already had what I felt like was a lot of structure, but there were still many things we tried to fit in sometime during the day or hoped to have time for by chance.

So Charming and I talked about some changes and what we wanted to make sure happened each day.  Over the last few days we’ve implemented some of the changes and today was my first day alone with the changes.  And I’ll tell you what!  I couldn’t believe how smoothly the day went!!

Everybody seemed happier and more content.  There were hardly any disagreements or timeouts.  There was a great balance and natural flow between structured time with Mom, free play with Mom and free play on their own.  Transitions felt easier.  And I felt much more relaxed.

It was such an incredible day, that I have to record what I did, before I forget it!  And that way, just maybe I can make it happen again… :)

—–

6:45 am:
Wake up Brother and Boots.  Drink milk and change clothes.  Morning family prayer, read and highlight The Book of Mormon with Daddy.  Say goodbye to Daddy.

7:30 am:
Do physical therapy exercises in my closet while Boots and Brother play around me.

8-8:30 am:
Breakfast while listening to Disney (or other musicals) soundtracks and discussing their characters and plot lines.

9-9:30 am:
Put Boots down for morning nap.  Do homeschool lessons and household chores with Brother.  Pay bills and make phone calls while Brother watches mellow DVD.  Wake Boots up after 1.5 hours.

11:30 am:
Do homeschool lessons in a “storytime” format with Boots (and Brother and Baby).  (Doing this every day is a new addition.  I used to fit it in once or twice a week, but will now try to do it every day.  Boots loves it and is so incredibly intelligent.  I just had to tweak it a little to be engaging for both him and Brother.  To make it easier to do every day, I pulled out some new materials and activities that fit Boots’ high-energy learning style).  Free play afterward.

12:30 pm:
Lunch while listening to different Disney (or other musicals) soundtracks and discussing their characters and plot lines.

1:30-2 pm:
Put Boots and Brother down for afternoon nap.  Have treasured “alone time” and homeschool lessons with Baby.

After naps:
Backyard chores. Outside free play.

5-5:30 pm:
Watch mellow DVD while Mom makes dinner and discuss characters and plotlines of the stories.  (This is a brand new addition.  We resisted it for a long time because we don’t like the boys to watch much TV, but I couldn’t believe how much it helped tone down our late afternoon today!  I was able to make dinner uninterrupted (so it was on time!) and the boys weren’t all wound up and irritable when it was finally time to eat.  I hope it continues to be this successful).

6-6:30 pm:
Eat dinner and talk about our days!

*Add in Family Home Evening lesson on Monday nights after dinner.  We typically do a white board or flannel board scripture story lesson.  But tonight we talked about the earthquake on the east coast, following the prophets’ counsel to be prepared, and then practiced earthquake drills of “under or beside” in different rooms of the house.  The boys loved it.

6:30-6:45 pm:
Treasured “alone time” with Boots reading church and/or secular books in his room (alternating Mom or Dad).  (This is also a new addition to our schedule that has made a huge difference already.  We felt like Boots wasn’t getting enough one-on-one time, so we decided to start enforcing it and we all LOVE it!  We feel closer to Boots and he just adores it.  I’m so, so glad we started doing this!)

6:45 pm:
Gather in Boots’ room. Discuss what we will pray about: 1) What we were each grateful for that day and 2) Any blessings or people we need to pray for.  Then we have evening family prayer and put Boots down for bed.

7-7:45 pm:
Household chores, get ready for bed and read Scripture Stories with Brother.

7:45 pm:
Gather in Brother’s room and put him down for bed.  One parent stays behind for treasured “alone time” with Brother (alternating Mom or Dad).  Quietly discuss whatever Brother wants to talk about.

—–

Man.  What a great day!  Everyone got taught.  Everyone got played with.  Everyone got loved.  Crossing my fingers that we can do it again tomorrow…! :):)