“Mommy, it’s bitter cold out there.”

“Look how snowed the deck is!… Poor termites.  I said poor termites because of the snow…  Will it make a cool sound when it stops snowing?”

“How will it get unsnowed?…  When will it melt?… I got an idea!  I can just use my rain boots cause snow is just frozen rain.”

—-

That night, we ventured forth into the backyard!…

“Mommy, I’m going to throw a snowball at you–right in the NOSE!!!”

Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!

“Mommy, are you okay?!?”

Oh, yes!  I only scream because it makes your brother laugh.

“Okay, good!…  In that case, why don’t you get her again, big brother!”

Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Peepah.  Sweetly observing the chaos from the warmth of the kitchen.

“What in tarnation is this blasted contraption?”

“Pull us, Mom!  It’s a snow train!”

“Whee!  Keep going, Mommy!”

——–

The next day, with our neighbors!…

“This is my first time sledding!!!!”

“Whoo-hoo!!!”

“Now with my neighbor, Joshua!!”

Okay, Bubbers. Your little brother has finally warmed up to being out here. Let’s give him a turn on the sled.

“This is my first time sledding, too!!!”

What did you think, Scooty-tots? Would you like to go again?

“Sure!! Now I’ll go with Bubbers!”

“Oh, man, this is fun! I hope it snows like this again!!”

—-

p.s. Thank you for all your pictures, Amy!!

Huh?

What’s that??

What is that, Mommy??

[It's a sweet gift for you from Sister A. at church!  Can you believe it??]

Really?!?  No way!!

Is this a Magic School Bus movie?!?  And TRACTOR fruit snacks!?!

Holy smokes!!

How did she know I love the Magic School Bus!!

Is that Ralphie?!

And Ms. Frizzle?!

Ha, ha!!

May I please watch it while Scooters is asleep??

[Sure!]

Would you look at that!  Fruit snacks and tractors…

… and the Magic School Bus!

What a dream come true!  Thank you, Sister A. and Ethan!!!!!!!

Thanks for your help, cutie pies! I can’t believe how long and well you worked… And how fun it was to watch you!  I’m seriously considering leaving a permanent strip of dirt for you two to dig every day! :)

Except.  I didn’t know.

I mean, I didn’t know it was the Scooters man.  I knew it was a baby.  And I knew it was a boy.  But I didn’t know the lusciousness that is the Scooters man.

What I did know was that I still thought a lot about the baby I’d lost before the Scooters man and I was scared.  Scared that I might lose him, too.  Scared to love him.  Scared to be excited.  Just scared.

So, here I was, a month away from giving birth to this precious gem within me and, emotionally, I felt light years away from being attached to him.  From really opening myself up to him and loving him like I knew I should.

One year ago, I was also car-less.  My untrustworthy car was at the mechanic.  Again.

And one year ago, I wanted to go to a playgroup…

…  At Emily’s house.

Emily is a woman from my church with a fantastic sense of humor, a love for photography, a killer talent for cooking, an adorable son named Jack, and one of the most thoughtful hearts I’ve ever met.

I met and got to know Emily after I was invited to attend a small playgroup she helped organize.  Bubbers and I loved it and we tried to attend as often as we could.  And about three months into it, we wanted to attend a playgroup that Emily was hosting at her house.

Except.  My car was in the shop, so I couldn’t get there.

So, I asked Melanie (the kind mother of Efan) if I could get a ride with her and she said, “Sure!”

That morning, Bubbers and I piled into Melanie’s car and arrived at Emily’s house.

And when we opened the door, we heard…

…  “SURPRISE!!!!” as a room full of women jumped out from behind Emily’s couches.

Well, I was definitely surprised!

Laughing, I took off my shoes.  And Bubbers’ shoes.  And then I looked around.

I wonder who this party is for? I thought as I noticed Emily taking pictures of us all.

It must be Melanie’s birthday, I realized as I looked back at Melanie.  I was still so new to the group, I had no idea when their birthdays were.  It’s strange she didn’t tell me while we were driving over here together.

I hung back to let Melanie go ahead and take the spotlight.

Then one of the women asked, “Were you surprised?”

I looked over to see Melanie’s response.  But Melanie just looked at me.

Why is she looking at me? I wondered with confusion.

“Were you surprised, Heidi?” the woman asked again.

I stared at her.

“What?” I asked.

“Were you expecting this?” she asked.

I stared at her.

“This is for me??” I finally squeaked out.

“Yes!” the women crowded around, “Who did you think it was for?”

“Well–I wasn’t sure–I thought maybe it was Melanie’s birthday…” I trailed off.

Then.  A little hope sparked in my heart.

This is for me? The possibility was still echoing inside my head.

Could it be?  Dare I hope?

I placed a hand on my belly.

Are they throwing me a baby shower? I finally allowed myself to wonder.

The little spark of hope in my heart began to fan into a little fire.

When I found out we were having another boy, I naturally assumed there would be no baby showers for the little guy.  Since we’d already had a boy, we had everything we needed and we’d just reuse it.

But now.  Here I was.  At a baby shower for me.  Me.  The mother with a heart held together with scotch tape.  A heart that wanted to open to the new life within me, but was so afraid of breaking again.

None of the women in that room knew what I was feeling.  But all I can figure is that Heavenly Father knew.  And through these incredibly kind and thoughtful women, He was giving me a chance to celebrate my baby.

And as I opened the gifts.

And held up little clothes meant for a little body.

I began to remember.

To remember what it was like to anticipate with reckless joy and abandon having a brand new little person placed in my arms.  To imagine him–my little baby–wearing this or being wrapped up in that.

And my heart was happy.

I was going to have a baby.  A dear little baby.  Who would love me.  And who would have all these new things that had been given just to him.

And celebrating it with my wonderful Bubbers King made it even more meaningful for me.

And can you believe it, Emily even asked Charming what my favorite dessert was and made strawberry cheesecake for me!

Thank you, Jessica, Chalonn and Anjee.

Thank you, Shauna, Leah and Amanda.

Thank you, Melanie.  (And Sarah and others not pictured).

And thank you, Emily.

Thank you for reaching out to someone you didn’t know very well.  Someone who was hurting.  And didn’t know how to fix it.  Someone who will always treasure this baby shower.  And the little spark it started that has fanned into a raging fire of love.  Thank you for letting me celebrate.

Him.

Hey Everyone!!  Remember how I said we went somewhere really super special on my birthday?  Well, you’ll never believe what it was!!…

When I got out of the car, Daddy told me I had to wear a hard hat–and he had one, too!!

Then we walked toward a house out in the country…

…  A house that had burned down and was being rebuilt.

…   A house that had AN EXCAVATOR!!!  Can you believe that??

Months and months ago, Daddy asked a friend at church if I could ride on his excavator and he said YES!!!

Holy toledo.  Check out the size of that BUCKET!!  I could fit inside that thing!!

“Mah-mah!!”

Oh man!  I was so excited!  I couldn’t believe I’d get to go inside a REAL EXCAVATOR!!

Daddy’s friend unlocked the cab…

…  And Daddy handed me inside!!

I was very careful and obedient.

Then it was time to WORK!!

Brother M. said the first thing we had to do was open the bucket…

…  And empty out the rain water.

Then, he LET ME DRIVE IT!!!!!

Can you BELIEVE THAT?!?   Mommy and Daddy sure couldn’t, but it’s the truth!!  Every time we needed to go forward or backward, Brother M. just told me and I’d do it all by myself!!!

Then he’d let me help him with the joy sticks to move the bucket!  We scooped lots and lots of dirt.

And then we’d SWING around…

…  Reach the bucket WAAAAAY out and then pour the dirt out!!

I loved swinging back and forth inside the cab!

“Hi, Mommy!!!!”

Mommy loved how calmly and completely I concentrated on the job.  I looked like a real driver up there, just working away at the site! :)

Daddy loved watching me, too, and he caught it all on video camera!!

Scooters was absolutely captivated!!

Maybe when he gets older, we can dig TOGETHER!!

“Mah-mah!!”

Then we picked up this big long scraper thing.

And we reached WAAAAAY out…

… And pulled it in.

Making the dirt nice and smooth!

**Munch, munch**

“Goldfish and an excavator.  What more could I possibly want?”

Boy!  It was so fun!  Daddy and Mommy just grinned ear-to-ear to see me in there!

And Mommy tried not to worry when this happened.

Any time the excavator rocked or tilted, Mommy tried REALLY hard not to worry.  And.  She was almost successful!

After lots and lots of work (Mommy and Daddy couldn’t believe how long Brother M. let me work with him!!), we finally put down the scraper.

And we set the bucket down to rest.

“Oh man!  Wasn’t that fun?…  Okay, now it’s time to get down!”

“I don’t want to get down,” I said, “I want to keep working.  Pwease may I keep working in the excavator?”

I was sad to get down, so Brother M. gave me five!

And Daddy fixed my hat.

And Brother M. gave me another five!

Then he let me go inside the house he built!

It was beautiful!

After that, we headed back to the car!

And Scooters zonked out.

And so did I.  :)

With Goldfish in one hand and Salty in the other! :)

Whew!  It’s hard work to drive an excavator!!

But, boy, was it fun!!

—–

Thank you so much for letting me drive your excavator, Brother M.!  I loved it!!

And thank you, Daddy, for getting the idea and asking him!  You’re so great and I love you!!

Oh man! I was just sorting through old pictures and came across this one of Bubbers and his friend Ethan.

Bubbers was 26 months old and hanging out with Ethan while I went to my 2 week postpartum doctor visit with baby Scooters.

Ethan’s Mommy took these pictures and I have to say it made me soooooo excited to have warm weather soon…

I have missed all these cute legs in shorts!!!

….. and her sweet Laura Grace who had just been born that morning.

As I walked into my friend’s hospital room, I immediately recognized the sacred feeling of entering the presence of a newborn child. The moment I saw her, I couldn’t stop smiling and I couldn’t stop looking at her.

I restrained myself as long as I could and then I just had to hold her.  And as I held her, my smiles and stares got even worse.

She was absolutely beautiful and I adored her beautiful name: Laura Grace.

So perfect.

And it was about this time that my internal conversation began…..

“Oh my heavens, look at those cheeks!! I want to have another baby. Right nooooowwwww,” my heart sang out with beautiful chorus.

“Uh. Heidi? You, uh, you already have a baby. He’s sleeping in his crib at home. Remember?” my mind replied with confusion.

“Of course I remember him! I want him, too! I want him and I want a baby girl just like Lauuuuuraaaaa Graaaaaace,” my heart sang out with growing enthusiasm.

“Yes, she’s perfect and I can see why you love her and want a baby just like her,” my mind responded with mild alarm, “But the baby you already have right now is only six months old. And you might want to wait, say, at least a little longer before having another one.”

“None of that matters!” my heart laughed with delight, “Look at her! Just look at her! I want one! I want one! I want one!”

This conversation continued long into the night until the next morning came and I was again holding my own baby.  But every time I looked at these pictures, the conversation returned full force.

And to be honest, it scared me.

Because if the desire to have a child is this strong in me when I am having children, what on earth is it going to be like when I’m no longer having children?  Because as much as I’d like to desperately pretend I can have precious newborns my entire mortal life, I know I can’t.  At some point in time, I will have to stop for one reason or another. And when that moment comes, what happens to that desire that’s beyond my control?  That desire that God gives His daughters so they will create, deliver and love His children?

Part of me hopes it will go away, so I won’t be tormented by it.  But the overwhelming majority of me never wants it to diminish.  Because I love it.  I love babies and I love children and I love being a mother.  And I don’t want to stop loving it.

So then I cry.  And my husband offers his shoulder.  And I soggify it.

And I feel a little better.

Until I look at this again.