The clouds rolled in and a toothless smile

September 9th, 2012

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After some amazing weeks of sunny weather, the clouds rolled in this morning. Seeing them reminded me how much I love the clouds of fall after a hot summer (yes, I’m a complete wuss- 75 is hot to me). The clouds reminded me that if I was healed, this is when I’d be pregnant to keep our tradition of 2 years between children.

Then I went to church all alone (the boys were sick and Charming stayed home with them) and sat by a couple with one of the cutest baby girls I’ve ever seen. She sat so content in her mother’s arms, watching me with bright blue eyes and big toothless smiles. Man, I wanted to hold her.

Then I taught Charming’s Sunday School class and conducted during Relief Society. As I left church, I saw the same little baby girl. She was very tired and clinging to her father and then mother, burying her tiny face into her parent’s shoulder and crying the most adorably sad baby cry. And that was when something inside me snapped.

I walked to my car and with every step, I felt the flare-up of pain coursing through my hips and pelvis that happens every time I teach or conduct. Since I’d done both today, it was even worse than usual. I knew I’d have to go home and do the same dadgum routine I do every day: rest, stretch, ice-heat-ice. The routine that reminded me, yet again, that despite the clouds of fall, I couldn’t have the promise of a tiny baby with a toothless grin growing inside of me.

So I went home and gathered my husband in one arm, my baby with lots of teeth in the other arm and I buried my own face into Charming’s shoulder. And I cried a sad mommy cry.

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6 Comments

tearese | 9/11/2012 8:31 am

Oh Heidi, I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. I really hope you can heal, and get what you’d like in your life.

 
stacey | 9/12/2012 3:28 pm

I don’t mean this to sound as advice or preachy, but it’s hard when you always had a plan of what you’d get out of life and things not under your control prevent that plan from happening. One of the recent conference talks hit me hard when he said that we should desire children….and then not judge those who don’t have big families. He said something like there are those who desire a large family but are blessed with a small family. That statement hit me pretty hard because no matter how many children I end up with, I’m almost certain it won’t be the “number” I had in mind when I got married. And the word that struck me most is that I have been “blessed” with a small family. And that should be my focus because they are such a blessing.

I’m sorry this healing process is taking so long and is so painful!

 
Heidi | 9/13/2012 9:35 pm

Thank you, Tearese. Me, too!

 
Heidi | 9/13/2012 9:44 pm

Thank you, Stacey! I completely agree and didn’t think you sounded preachy. That same conference talk impacted me the exact same way! These sweet children are blessings and it doesn’t matter the number. I’m usually good at keeping that focus, but sometimes it still hits me. I’ve never had a set number of kids I wanted, I just never wanted to stop having them. And I never thought something like this would be the limiting factor and so soon. I guess I had my heart set on C-sections limiting me, but not until after 6 or 7… Sigh. Mortality. It’s sure not perfect, is it? :)

 
christy | 9/18/2012 2:28 pm

I’m sorry that you are going through this. When I found out that I couldn’t have more children after we had our oldest, I was very upset. It is unfortunate that our mortal bodies sometimes cannot keep up with our righteous desires. We were very blessed that we were able to adopt our other two boys. I hope that you feel better and continue to have your positive attitude. I also hope that you allow yourself to cry every once and a while :-)

 
Vicki | 9/19/2012 9:09 pm

I’m so sorry you are still having the difficulties that you are with your pelvis, etc.
We each get given unique challenges in life, I guess that’s just part of mortality. We don’t usually get to choose our challenges either.
(I remember being upset because I couldn’t have anymore children after having 8 and I had always planned on 12! Almost seems kind of silly now since I had so many.)

 

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