Laura Grace

December 14th, 2009

A little over a week ago, I visited a local hospital to see a wonderful friend of mine…..

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….. and her sweet Laura Grace who had just been born that morning.

As I walked into my friend’s hospital room, I immediately recognized the sacred feeling of entering the presence of a newborn child. The moment I saw her, I couldn’t stop smiling and I couldn’t stop looking at her.

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I restrained myself as long as I could and then I just had to hold her.  And as I held her, my smiles and stares got even worse.

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She was absolutely beautiful and I adored her beautiful name: Laura Grace.

So perfect.

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And it was about this time that my internal conversation began…..

“Oh my heavens, look at those cheeks!! I want to have another baby. Right nooooowwwww,” my heart sang out with beautiful chorus.

“Uh. Heidi? You, uh, you already have a baby. He’s sleeping in his crib at home. Remember?” my mind replied with confusion.

“Of course I remember him! I want him, too! I want him and I want a baby girl just like Lauuuuuraaaaa Graaaaaace,” my heart sang out with growing enthusiasm.

“Yes, she’s perfect and I can see why you love her and want a baby just like her,” my mind responded with mild alarm, “But the baby you already have right now is only six months old. And you might want to wait, say, at least a little longer before having another one.”

“None of that matters!” my heart laughed with delight, “Look at her! Just look at her! I want one! I want one! I want one!”

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This conversation continued long into the night until the next morning came and I was again holding my own baby.  But every time I looked at these pictures, the conversation returned full force.

And to be honest, it scared me.

Because if the desire to have a child is this strong in me when I am having children, what on earth is it going to be like when I’m no longer having children?  Because as much as I’d like to desperately pretend I can have precious newborns my entire mortal life, I know I can’t.  At some point in time, I will have to stop for one reason or another. And when that moment comes, what happens to that desire that’s beyond my control?  That desire that God gives His daughters so they will create, deliver and love His children?

Part of me hopes it will go away, so I won’t be tormented by it.  But the overwhelming majority of me never wants it to diminish.  Because I love it.  I love babies and I love children and I love being a mother.  And I don’t want to stop loving it.

So then I cry.  And my husband offers his shoulder.  And I soggify it.

And I feel a little better.

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Until I look at this again.

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7 Comments

charlotte | 12/15/2009 7:13 am

Oh, she is such a beauty! I love that little squishy face:)) And Heidi – this probably isn’t much comfort to you now but I think that is what eternity is for. Then we can have all the sweet-smelling newborns we want:)

On a slightly unrelated note: I want you to come take gorgeous pics of my newborn now! Man, my little camera snaps just don’t compare to your beautiful pictures!

 
charlotte | 12/15/2009 7:16 am

PS> Now that we’re done having kids – a fact that I”m totally happy with – I hope that I will use that little “i want a new baby” twinge to help me find others with new babies to serve. I remember how many people have helped us when my babes were/are small and I want to be that person for other women:) Plus I think a little bit of the sadness makes the joy in my children now that much more brilliant!

 
Melissa and Dorian Ducker | 12/15/2009 9:21 am

She’s one of the most BEAUTIFUL little baby girls I have EVER seen!!!

I got pregnant with our second when our first was 7 months old. We planned it. And I love that Heavenly Father helped me to know that the time was right to have another. It’s not a crazy feeling to feel like you need another baby. When you know it’s right you just know! Maybe it’s just that you miss that newborn baby you feel like you JUST had, but at the same time….maybe it’s more. But I’m not worried about you! You have a great relationship with the Lord, and you’ll know what’s best for you and your family!

I’m so jealous that you got to love on that sweet baby Laura Grace! PRECIOUS!!

 
Vicki | 12/15/2009 9:44 pm

I totally relate to your feelings. After having 8 children, I still wanted to have more babies. One of the hardest things for me was adjusting to not having more.

 
tearese | 12/16/2009 10:36 am

that is a very cute baby! When you get too old, you either look forward to grandkids, or you start adopting, like the Shields from our old ward!

 
Melissa | 12/16/2009 11:11 pm

Heidi, how can I thank you enough for coming and taking those pictures? We got the CD in the mail today, and I just loved gazing at every picture. You have such an amazing talent for photography. Such clear pictures of my newborn daughter, only hours old! They are priceless. I feel so blessed to call you my friend. :)

 
Suzanne | 12/18/2009 6:16 am

She really is such a beautiful little baby and I love her name.
I can understand that desire for another baby, if I was younger I would have loved more children.

 

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