Heidi December 14th, 2009
A little over a week ago, I visited a local hospital to see a wonderful friend of mine…..
….. and her sweet Laura Grace who had just been born that morning.
As I walked into my friend’s hospital room, I immediately recognized the sacred feeling of entering the presence of a newborn child. The moment I saw her, I couldn’t stop smiling and I couldn’t stop looking at her.
I restrained myself as long as I could and then I just had to hold her. And as I held her, my smiles and stares got even worse.
She was absolutely beautiful and I adored her beautiful name: Laura Grace.
And it was about this time that my internal conversation began…..
“Oh my heavens, look at those cheeks!! I want to have another baby. Right nooooowwwww,” my heart sang out with beautiful chorus.
“Uh. Heidi? You, uh, you already have a baby. He’s sleeping in his crib at home. Remember?” my mind replied with confusion.
“Of course I remember him! I want him, too! I want him and I want a baby girl just like Lauuuuuraaaaa Graaaaaace,” my heart sang out with growing enthusiasm.
“Yes, she’s perfect and I can see why you love her and want a baby just like her,” my mind responded with mild alarm, “But the baby you already have right now is only six months old. And you might want to wait, say, at least a little longer before having another one.”
“None of that matters!” my heart laughed with delight, “Look at her! Just look at her! I want one! I want one! I want one!”
This conversation continued long into the night until the next morning came and I was again holding my own baby. But every time I looked at these pictures, the conversation returned full force.
And to be honest, it scared me.
Because if the desire to have a child is this strong in me when I am having children, what on earth is it going to be like when I’m no longer having children? Because as much as I’d like to desperately pretend I can have precious newborns my entire mortal life, I know I can’t. At some point in time, I will have to stop for one reason or another. And when that moment comes, what happens to that desire that’s beyond my control? That desire that God gives His daughters so they will create, deliver and love His children?
Part of me hopes it will go away, so I won’t be tormented by it. But the overwhelming majority of me never wants it to diminish. Because I love it. I love babies and I love children and I love being a mother. And I don’t want to stop loving it.
So then I cry. And my husband offers his shoulder. And I soggify it.
And I feel a little better.
Until I look at this again.