Dear Snuggles

August 12th, 2009

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Dear Snuggles,

Before you were born, your father and I had so many questions about you.

“What will he be like?” we wondered.

“Can we possibly have another boy who is sweet and good?”

“How do we integrate another member into our family?”

And the question that worried me the most:

“Will I bond to him?….. I mean really bond to him?”

You see, when we got pregnant with you, I was still mourning the loss of our child before you. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t dispel the underlying worry that I would lose you, too.

And this worry kept my hurting heart from fully embracing you while you were still inside me. I knew it was happening, but I didn’t know how to stop it. And I worried that it would permanently affect my ability to bond with you.

I was still worried about this on the morning you were born, though I didn’t speak of it.

I was also worried about having another C-section and the risks that come with surgery, so I asked your Dad and our wonderful doctor to give me a blessing.

Right before we went into the operating room, we closed the door to my hospital room and your Dad placed his hands on my head and gave me a Priesthood blessing from Heavenly Father.

He spoke wonderful, reassuring words about a safe operation and recovery for both of us that brought peace to my soul. And then quite unexpectedly, he blessed me to bond quickly with you.

And my heart jumped.

For the past 9 months, I had wanted to bond with you. I had wanted to feel that deep love that only a mother and child can feel. That love that no words can adequately express and a lifetime of service only hints at.

But I hadn’t. And I was afraid that I wouldn’t. And Heavenly Father knew that. And He also knew that that’s what I wanted more than anything else. And He had just promised me that I would have it.

My heart started beating faster with hesitant anticipation.

Then I was in the middle of surgery and I couldn’t believe I would finally be meeting you. For the thousandth time, I wondered what you would be like.

As the doctors pulled you out, they remarked on the large size of your head and what a big baby you were. Then the nurse took you and cleaned you up.

You cried a little, but quickly quieted down. And after what seemed like forever, you were given to your father and he brought you to me.

I stroked your soft face and talked to you while you made sweet newborn sounds that I loved and had forgotten about.

You were beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

And looking into your face, I immediately felt who you were. You were as sweet, gentle and loving as you were beautiful.

And I loved you. Absolutely loved you.

Just like He said I would.

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3 Comments

Vicki | 8/14/2009 11:39 am

Sometimes your entries need to come with tissues. This was very touching. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

 
Suzanne | 8/17/2009 11:17 pm

I am glad your prayers kept you all safe. I can remember the fear and I remember praying as they were doing the epidural. For a whole year I said a certain prayer in a certain way for Shakira.

 
Melissa | 8/18/2009 8:14 am

Such a beautiful post, Heidi. Thank you for trusting us with your tender feelings and memories. :)

 

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