They soothed me

“So, how’s Heidi doing today?” Dr. B. asked me with a smile.

“I have a cold, but other than that, I’m doing great!” I said, thankful yet again to be in my second trimester with morning sickness and dampened spirits a memory from the past.

“That’s great!” he replied, “Let’s have you lay back and we’ll measure you.”

Dr. B. pulled out his tape measure and held it over my growing belly.

Bubbers watched with confusion mingled with concern from his Daddy’s lap nearby.

I smiled and pointed to the doctor, “This is Dr. B.  He’s the one that took you out of my belly.  And he’s going to take your brother out of my belly, too.”

Bubbers looked at me intently and then looked at the doctor.

“Hi,” Dr. B. beamed at him.

Bubbers continued to watch him, but didn’t reply.

Then Dr. B. reached for his doppler monitor.

“Let’s take a quick listen for his heartbeat,” he said as he lubricated his probe and then pressed it to my belly.

I settled back to hear the familiar thumpthumpthumpthumpthump that I love.

“That’s your heartbeat,” Dr. B. said quietly as he moved the probe around, trying to locate the baby.

We waited patiently.

“I think I heard it briefly, but I can’t separate it from yours,” Dr. B. murmured, as if to himself.

Huh, we’ve never had a problem finding it before, I thought in passing.

We waited again.

My husband cleared his throat and asked, “When was the last time you felt him, Heidi?”

My answer was immediate and had already been running through my head, “Last night.”

I then recalled looking forward to seeing Dr. B., because I hadn’t felt the baby yet that day.

Loud static rang from the doppler machine as the doctor concentrated on hearing that small, yet ever reassuring thumpthumpthumpthumpthump.

Though I couldn’t hear it, I could feel the clock on the wall behind us ticking as each second went by.

“Would it help if I moved positions?” I asked hesitantly.

Dr. B. shook his head, “This position is fine.  I should be able to get it…..  Unless the baby is really far back.”

Then he added more lubrication to the probe and searched some more.

The minutes ticked by.

More loud static.

More lubrication.

More searching.

Finally, Dr. B. turned off the machine.

“I’m going to schedule you an immediate ultrasound,” he said quietly, “I’m pretty sure I heard a heartbeat at the beginning, but just to make sure, we’ll get an ultrasound.”

I nodded silently and he left the room.

Charming left for a moment and handed Bubbers to me to hold.

I sat on the exam table all alone and held my son.

Gently, I rested my cheek on the top of his head.

I started to sing him songs and tried not to think.

I tried not to think of a previous ultrasound.

I tried not to wonder if we’d lost another baby.

And I tried not to wonder if we’d ever be able to hold another baby, or if this child in my arms would be the only one.

I said a silent heart prayer.

One with no formal words.

Just feelings.

And hope.

Directed toward a loving Father.

And I felt the tears coming.

My throat started tightening and my eyes began burning.

And then I remembered.

I remembered the words in my patriarchal blessing that spoke of my children.

Those words echoed in my mind.

And they soothed me.

The burning in my eyes subsided and my throat relaxed.

My husband and the doctor returned.

“Your ultrasound has been scheduled for 2 pm,” the doctor said.

And then he paused and looked at us for a moment.

“Let’s try one more time,” he suddenly said as he reached for his doppler monitor again.

Eagerly, I handed Bubbers to my husband and laid back down.

Dr. B. lubricated the probe and placed it on my belly in the same spot he’d tried countless times before.

And there it was, almost immediately.


It filled the room.

And filled our hearts.

The doctor looked up with bright eyes.

“There it is!”

The baby kicked.

And I smiled with joy.

“Daddy out”

A few weeks ago, Bubbers saw a picture of his Daddy and stopped to admire it.

“Daddy!” he smiled and leaned down to get a closer look.

I quietly watched from the sidelines, my heart warm and grateful for the wonderful father who has instilled such love in his son.

Then all of a sudden, Bubbers reached out one of his little hands.

It was in cupping shape and he slowly scraped it across the picture–across his father’s body.

At the same time, he said, “Daddy….. out…..”

Then he paused and watched.

When nothing happened, he scooped his hand over Daddy again and repeated, “Daddy out….. Out Daddy.”

My heart melted and broke all at the same times as I knelt down and explained, “Oh, Sweetie, Daddy can’t come out of there.  It’s just a picture.  Daddy is at work.”

Bubbers looked at me with confused, yet hopeful eyes, “Daddy out?”

“No, Sweetie,” I shook my head, “It’s not real.  It’s just a picture.  Daddy can’t come out of it.”

Then I lovingly took his hand and tried to make him feel better by going on a plastic fruit picnic with Elmo and Gorilla.  And he seemed to be okay.

But then later, we gave Daddy a call at work.

I put him on speaker and held the phone out to Bubbers.

“It’s Daddy!” I explained with a smile.

His face lit up, “Daddy, Daddy??” he called into the phone as he took it from me.

“Yes, Little Man?  It’s me,” Daddy’s voice responded from the phone.

Suddenly, Bubbers got very quiet and looked intently at the phone.

“Little Man?” Daddy repeated, “It’s me, Daddy.”

Silently, Bubbers reached out a dear little cupped hand and scooped it across the face of the phone.

“Daddy out!” he commanded in a strong voice.

Daddy listened in confusion and then asked, “What’s that, Little Man?”

Bubbers scooped again with even greater force and said, “Out Daddy!”

Watching from the sidelines with another broken melted heart, I stepped in and explained, “He’s trying to scoop you out of the phone.”

“Oooh!” Daddy said with sad understanding, “I’m sorry, Little Man…..  I can’t come out.   But I love you and I’ll be home soon!”

After they hung up, I reached out and gave Bubbers a hug and kiss.

He briefly hugged me back and then punched 64 three’s into the phone before I could stop him.

And then from that day on, Bubbers has sweetly scooped every picture he sees of his beloved Daddy and called, “Daddy out!” in hopeful tones.

And when we’re reading and he sees something he’d love to have–like a big garbage truck or Horton hatching an egg while being transported in a huge wagon–he scoops his little hand across it and calls, “Out!  Out!”

Fortunately (for the preservation of our home’s ceilings) those monstrous things stay in the books.  But man alive, do I smile every time he does it!

So a few days ago, while we were enjoying our illness induced quarantine, I decided to try and get this endearing new behavior on video.

But since I never know when he’s going to do it, I thought I’d try my hand at eliciting it on demand.

And here are the precious, unexpected results:

What I love about this video:

  • His little scooping hand
  • His cute hoarse voice (from his cold)
  • How much he makes me laugh with pure delight
  • His unexpected “pease”
  • The way his eyes light up his whole face
  • How he holds up both hands
  • His perfect articulation of “pockets”
  • How he calls himself “You”
  • How he repeats “coopy” over and over in such a cute voice
  • His concern for the spot on Daddy’s face (“ace”)
  • How he slides his hands into his pockets
  • His unexpected point at me
  • His unfailing patience and compliance as I ask him to do it over and over and over again :)

“Nie-yol” and Thank you!

Thank you so much for your kind words of sympathy, love and support!

Bubbers is definitely on the mend.


He’s developed a cutely endearing, yet slightly disturbing habit of asking for “nie-yol” (“Tylenol”) with great enthusiasm every time we put him down for sleep.

And I was a little worried about how he’d adjust when we cut off his “nie-yol” supply today…..

But he was a real trouper and did great!

And fortunately for me, my pregnancy has saved me from even starting down that slippery road of developing a “nie-yol” dependency during my bout of the illness.

So, we are now a drug-free household.



Heidi and Bubbers :)