Heidi November 16th, 2008
So how are you feeling?
Very tired and very nauseated.
And very unmotivated to do anything other than lay on my couch all day long and read my son thousands of books (or the same book thousands of times, whichever he happens to prefer at the time).
But I’ve realized that these feelings of fatigue and nausea are a great blessing in disguise.
Because I never felt like this with the baby we lost.
And feeling like this gave me the courage to face my pregnancy.
Why did you need courage to face your pregnancy?
For the first month or so of being pregnant, I unconsciously ignored the fact that I was pregnant.
Typically, I can’t wait to take a pregnancy test and do so at the earliest possible moment.
But this time I didn’t.
For some reason I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t directly face the fact that I was pregnant again so soon after my miscarriage.
Finally, after some weeks of being pregnant, I hesitantly tried to face my unexpected feelings and sort out what exactly was going on.
And I realized two things.
I felt like I was betraying the memory of the baby I’d lost to get excited about another one.
And I was afraid of loving my baby and then losing it.
I didn’t want to get hurt again.
And when I realized that, I felt like an awful mother.
What kind of a mother avoids loving her baby?
I was so ashamed I almost didn’t write about it in my journal.
And I almost didn’t tell anyone else.
But finally, I told my dear friend, Charlotte.
I knew Charlotte wouldn’t think I was an awful person and I prayed that somehow these feelings would make sense to her.
True to my faith in her, she immediately responded that it was completely normal and other women felt the same way.
And tears came to my eyes when she concluded, “It is just a measure of your deep love for your children that you feel this way.”
Thank you, Charlotte.
Your reassurance meant everything to me.
And it was the first step toward getting me through this unexpected emotional turmoil.
The second step came while I was buying myself a pair of rain boots.
By the end of the transaction, I was undeniably and completely nauseated.
For the first time since I was pregnant with Bubbers 2 years ago.
And instead of walking out the doors back to my car, I veered my shopping cart back into the store and hesitantly approached an aisle I hadn’t had the confidence to approach before.
And when I put the small pregnancy test box in my cart, I kissed my son and smiled a tiny, secret smile.
And every day since then, I’ve found increasing comfort in feeling sick.
Knowing that it meant things were likely going well with our new little life.
I was still afraid, though.
Until I finally scheduled my first doctor’s appointment and requested an ultrasound beforehand.
And when I saw the tiny form of our baby on the screen and the flicker-flicker-flicker of a tiny heart beating, I allowed myself a wide smile and a warm squeeze of my husband’s hand.
So even though my fatigue and nausea are wreaking havoc on my blogging productivity, I am thankful for the daily reassurance it gives me that at the end of this I will be holding a dear little newborn in my arms with a heart overflowing with love.