My Pregnancy: A couple questions

November 16th, 2008

Baby!! edited

So how are you feeling?

Very tired and very nauseated.

And very unmotivated to do anything other than lay on my couch all day long and read my son thousands of books (or the same book thousands of times, whichever he happens to prefer at the time).

But I’ve realized that these feelings of fatigue and nausea are a great blessing in disguise.

Because I never felt like this with the baby we lost.

And feeling like this gave me the courage to face my pregnancy.

Why did you need courage to face your pregnancy?

For the first month or so of being pregnant, I unconsciously ignored the fact that I was pregnant.

Typically, I can’t wait to take a pregnancy test and do so at the earliest possible moment.

But this time I didn’t.

For some reason I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t directly face the fact that I was pregnant again so soon after my miscarriage.

Finally, after some weeks of being pregnant, I hesitantly tried to face my unexpected feelings and sort out what exactly was going on.

And I realized two things.

I felt like I was betraying the memory of the baby I’d lost to get excited about another one.

And I was afraid of loving my baby and then losing it.

I didn’t want to get hurt again.

And when I realized that, I felt like an awful mother.

What kind of a mother avoids loving her baby?

I was so ashamed I almost didn’t write about it in my journal.

And I almost didn’t tell anyone else.

But finally, I told my dear friend, Charlotte.

I knew Charlotte wouldn’t think I was an awful person and I prayed that somehow these feelings would make sense to her.

True to my faith in her, she immediately responded that it was completely normal and other women felt the same way.

And tears came to my eyes when she concluded, “It is just a measure of your deep love for your children that you feel this way.”

Thank you, Charlotte.

Your reassurance meant everything to me.

And it was the first step toward getting me through this unexpected emotional turmoil.

The second step came while I was buying myself a pair of rain boots.

By the end of the transaction, I was undeniably and completely nauseated.

For the first time since I was pregnant with Bubbers 2 years ago.

And instead of walking out the doors back to my car, I veered my shopping cart back into the store and hesitantly approached an aisle I hadn’t had the confidence to approach before.

And when I put the small pregnancy test box in my cart, I kissed my son and smiled a tiny, secret smile.

And every day since then, I’ve found increasing comfort in feeling sick.

Knowing that it meant things were likely going well with our new little life.

I was still afraid, though.

Until I finally scheduled my first doctor’s appointment and requested an ultrasound beforehand.

And when I saw the tiny form of our baby on the screen and the flicker-flicker-flicker of a tiny heart beating, I allowed myself a wide smile and a warm squeeze of my husband’s hand.

So even though my fatigue and nausea are wreaking havoc on my blogging productivity, I am thankful for the daily reassurance it gives me that at the end of this I will be holding a dear little newborn in my arms with a heart overflowing with love.

RSS feed

8 Comments

Kim | 11/16/2008 11:36 pm

I know what you mean about the fear of facing the new pregnancy. It took me a very long time before I was comfortable with the fact, and even once I felt the assurance that this one was okay, I would suddenly have surges of grief over my last loss. Even still (halfway through) I find myself sometimes needing a break from baby things for a little while. I agree with what your friend Charlotte said, and from what I have heard from others, I think that it is normal to feel these things.

 
Suzanne | 11/17/2008 3:37 am

Keep praying Heidi for strength. All you are feeling is completely normal. Morning sickness as they call it is a very good sign that everything is just right.
Your blogging friends are with you all the way.

 
charlotte | 11/17/2008 6:26 am

I’m so glad that you derived some comfort from those few words I wrote you! I kept meaning to write you more and tell you how I felt exactly the same way with each of our subsequent pregnancies after our losses. And how it does get easier once you are past “that point” in the new pregnancy. But how it makes you so grateful and relieved when everything works as it should. And then you realize what a true gift from God each baby is (not that you don’t already – you out of everyone I know seem to be particularly adept at that!). But you never forgot the one you lost. And every once in a while you’ll see a baby who is the same age your lost little one would have been and you feel a pang. But not for long. And you’re happy to remember.

I love you! I’m so glad that this pregnancy is making you so sick!!

 
Heidi | 11/17/2008 12:39 pm

Congrats on your new pregnancy. I’m glad everything checked out well on your first appointment. I hope the nausea doesn’t last too much longer. :)

 
wanderingnana | 11/18/2008 7:15 am

I’m glad you’re nauseated. After I lost my baby I didn’t tell anyone when I got pregnant again until the 4th month. I wasn’t sick with the other little one so I thought maybe it was a boy as I was really sick with my first. When I got sick with the next baby the doctor told me it was a good sign. You will never forget the lost little one…. I know I haven’t and it’s been over 30 years.

 
Kara | 11/18/2008 11:05 am

I’m so glad that everything is going as it should with this pregnancy. It’s hard to face those feelings after loosing so much, but so important too. I’m glad you are able to do that.

 
Susy Balaz | 11/18/2008 6:03 pm

I agree with you on those feelings. I hated even looking at my toothbrush during my pregnancy, with Ryan…. but I knew why I was nauseated, and being a mother for the first time at 38 almost 39, I was so thrilled that I would too get that secret smile!

 
Melissa | 11/24/2008 3:31 pm

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I will always admire your honesty and courage and faith. :) And I appreciate you writing about your miscarriage so candidly – two of my sisters-in-law are currently pregnant again after having miscarriages, so your words help me to better understand what they might be feeling.

Like others have said, I’m also glad you have this nausea to remind you that the baby is healthy – and in just a month or two you’ll get another miracle – those first tiny kicks! Always my favorite part! :)

 

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.