My Miscarriage: A Few Thoughts

October 1st, 2008

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It’s been a little over two months since I lost my baby in a miscarriage.

But strangely, it feels like an eternity has passed since those long, painful hours that consumed me.

I feel very distanced from that raw, vulnerable woman who couldn’t bear to be parted from her son who was the only thing that brought warmth back into her heart.

That is, I felt very distanced.

Until tonight.

When I found out a dear friend just lost her baby in almost the exact same circumstances that I did.

And in the blink of an eye I was there again.

And then tears filled my eyes to think my friend was there now.

**

After talking with my friend, I decided to post something that I have been very hesitant to post, because I didn’t want to offend anyone.

But I’ve decided to post it with the intention of trying to help those women who have never had a miscarriage.

Those women who may have been like me before mine.

Who have no idea what to say to someone who has one.

Who may even avoid a person or avoid talking about a person’s miscarriage, because you don’t know what to say.

Because it was only after having my miscarriage that I realized the things I thought were okay to say really didn’t help at all…..

**

“Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again.”

I used to think those were very reassuring words.

Hopeful words.

Words to cling to.

But when I was fresh in my grief, those words held no comfort for me.

I wasn’t worried about getting pregnant again.

That didn’t matter to me right then.

What mattered to me was the pregnancy and baby that I used to have and didn’t anymore.

The pregnancies that would come later had no power to bring back the one I had lost.

And what I wanted right then was the one I had lost.

**

“Don’t miscarriages happen because there’s something wrong with the baby?”

Probably.

But I didn’t care.

I still wanted my baby.

And I still missed my baby.

**

“At least it happened early on.”

True.

But what matters is it happened.

And when it happens, there’s pain.

There may be less pain than if it happened later.

But there’s still pain.

**

“Miscarriages are very common.”

Perhaps.

But it doesn’t make them easier.

(Except for the fact that other women understood how I felt and I didn’t feel alone).

**

“Oh, Heidi, that’s awful and I’m so sorry.”

Time and again, I was amazed at the power of such simple words.

Just the direct acknowledgment that I had gone through something terrible.

And the expression of their sorrow for me.

That was all I needed.

That was enough.

**

Now, I truly hope that I haven’t offended anyone.

Because honestly, I was never bothered or offended by anything anyone said to comfort me.

I was always touched and grateful when someone went out of their way to try to make me feel better.

But I was also very surprised at the thoughts I had in those early days of intense grief and anger when I sat alone by myself.

And I’ve only written them to try to help others understand a little.

And to remember.

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8 Comments

Heidi | 10/1/2008 9:18 pm

I also had a miscarriage early on 2 years after Sami was born. My anger and grief sometimes overshadowed well wishers thoughts until finally one day I realized that even though the baby was gone from me; it wouldn’t be gone forever. It is still mine. It will allways be mine. I just have to be patient and wait for the time we can be together again. I also think how lucky the baby is to have skipped this life and returned to Heavenly Father. Every year we pick a different ornament to hang on our christmas tree to symbolize important events during the year. The year we lost our baby we bought a crystal precious memories angel. Every time I take it out of it’s box I tell my lost baby I love you and I miss you. I can’t wait to see you again!

Heidi | 10/1/2008 9:25 pm

Oh, Heidi, I’m sorry. And I’m grateful for your wonderful thoughts. You’re absolutely right. That baby will always be yours. And what a sweet way to remember your baby every year at Christmas.

 
 
Emily Shaw | 10/2/2008 12:07 am

i’m so glad you posted this … i have always wondered what is appropriate to say in this situation. and i had no idea – and i too am so sorry for loss.

 
charlotte | 10/2/2008 6:12 am

Beautifully written, my friend. I had the same experience with my pregnancy losses. Truly the best thing people could say to me was “I’m so sorry for your loss.” And I also appreciated offers of prayers and hugs:)

I love your point about how it doesn’t matter how early or late the miscarriage happened. Either way it was a baby and a huge loss.

Thanks for sharing this!

 
Wandering Nana-Linda | 10/2/2008 9:32 am

Thank you, you said it all beautifully.

 
tearese | 10/2/2008 9:44 am

Thank you Heid, I am always one of those that wants to comfort someone but I don’t know what to say so I don’t say anything.

 
Cara | 10/2/2008 2:08 pm

You’re right there really is nothing anyone can say that will make it all better. Since I’ve been in your shoes I know that. I always tell those who have had a miscarriage that I’m there for them when and if they want to talk. It is a loss and everyone deals with grief in their own way.

 
Darcy D | 10/5/2008 2:02 pm

Thanks for the thoughts. I’m glad to know a simple “I’m sorry” is normally well recieved. I’d hate to offend someone in their time fo grief.

 

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