Heidi September 12th, 2008
The Associated Press
BUBBERSVILLE – A home in the suburbs was unexpectedly vandalized yesterday morning between the hours of 7:00 and 8:00 a.m. when an armed assailant silently attacked a helpless roll of toilet tissue.
Police were notified immediately and quickly arrived at the scene of the crime.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” reported Sgt. Mullen, the first officer to arrive on the scene, “The damage was complete and utterly ruthless.”
Experts estimate the extent of the damage to reach into the high one dollar range.
“I think it happened while I was taking a shower,” reported Heidi, the owner of the home and primary user of the toilet tissue.
The suspect was described as quite young and fled the scene of the crime wearing only one sock and armed with a deadly wooden hammer.
So far, search attempts to locate the suspect have been unsuccessful.
“He moves pretty fast, but he couldn’t have gone far,” Sgt. Mullen said, “Just in case he strikes again, I strongly recommend everyone keep their bathrooms locked up tight.”
In addition, homeowners in the neighborhood have been cautioned to keep all toilet tissue at least three feet above the ground.
“If we’re not careful, all toilet tissue everywhere is at risk for attack,” Heidi said, kneeling down on her bathroom floor and burying her face in the limp pile of tissue.
Citizens have been warned to report any sitings of the armed suspect to a special police hotline: 1-800-ONE-SOCK.