One week

August 1st, 2008

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It’s been one week since I started bleeding and knew I was going to lose my baby.

One week since people started telling me, “Heidi, I’m so sorry.”

One week since I didn’t know what else to reply but, “Thanks,” (???) because I didn’t want to say, “It’s okay.”

One week since I began avoiding my feelings without realizing it until Charming sat me down last night and made me let it all out.

One week since I wanted everyone to know and nobody to know all at the same time.

One week since I tried to write more about it but couldn’t.

One week since a friend emailed me a stranger’s blog where I have found inexplicable comfort by grieving for her loss along with my own.

One week since I can finally let myself pray about it.

One week since Bubbers became my absolute comfort and joy such that I realized I couldn’t leave him at a friend’s house just long enough to go to the doctor, because I couldn’t bear the thought of being away from him for even a second.

One week.

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7 Comments

Jesse | 8/1/2008 12:39 pm

Feel better soon, dear friend. There is no way to really prepare for experiences like these. You are wise to give yourself time to accept it and deal with it. With my love~

 
JS | 8/1/2008 3:07 pm

One week, I love that you are (or so it looks to me) just taking things one week at a time. And if it ever feels like the week is just too long then take it one day at a time!

 
Stephanie | 8/2/2008 1:42 am

I know those feelings. You expressed them beautifully. Please know that heaven is near you. Do not be timid in asking for the help you need to get you through this. We all need help to get through such trying times.

I send my love and empathy to you. And you are right in your reply because really it just isn’t “okay.”

Stephanie

 
Suzanne | 8/2/2008 2:21 am

Keep expressing your feelings, they are a part of you, your baby and the memories you have of your baby. Even though time helps, you never forget and something or someone will always come into to your life to remember the child that was you own to love for a little while before taken to heaven for their special place there.

I hope you dont mind me leaving this comment.

 
charlotte | 8/2/2008 7:06 am

What a beautiful post. I understand what you are saying. Grief is a tricky thing and doesn’t always go how we want it to. Sometimes it will surprise you how much you miss this baby (like, say, when you see a child who is the age this baby would have been) and other times you’ll be surprised to realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in days. (((hugs))) to you, my friend. Keep praying, His empathy is true.

 
lisa | 8/2/2008 3:43 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that our Heavenly Father can and will encirlce you in His loving arms and give you the comfort and peace you will need. It’s hard to imagine what life has in store for us, and we can only hope that we have the faith, strength, patience, and determination to see it through. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Love, the Belnap Family

p.s. why haven’t we been sitting together at the library concerts. so sorry.

 
Melissa | 8/2/2008 11:17 pm

What a beautifully expressed post, Heidi. (And I loved the touching picture.) My heart continues to go out to you. And I am SO glad you were willing to share with us. No one should have to weather a heartbreak like this alone. May I share a favorite scripture? It’s found in Phillipians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” You are never alone.

 

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