Heidi March 10th, 2008
So, I just have to share the wackiest chain of events that have occurred over the past few weeks that produced a wildly unexpected twist and (fortunately) a happy ending (I think).
Our story begins on Christmas Eve of last year…..
We were out to lunch, enjoying a luscious buffet of all-you-can-eat-of-everything.
And the cute Bubbers king was having a fabulous time!
….. Until he noticed my candy wrapper.
“May I please have your candy wrapper?” he asked very politely.
I smiled and shook my head, “Sorry, Charlie, but I know you’re just going to eat it and I’ve already let you eat too much today. So, I’ll just hold onto it, okay?”
He was shocked (to say the least).
“Aww, c’mon, don’t give me that look,” I said, my resolve slipping fast, “I’m telling you, this wrapper is no good. It’s crawling with germs and besides, it’s empty!”
But he persisted.
“No, no, don’t look at me like that!” I pleaded desperately, “It’s not like I’m trying to be mean on purpose or anything…..”
And then I completely broke.
“Okay, fine,” I relented and held out the wrapper, “Here you go.”
After grabbing it with great excitement…..
…..he ate it.
(And he looked darn cute doing it, too!)
Gazing over his new delicacy, he suddenly locked eyes with our passing waitress who stopped dead in her tracks.
Unable to help herself, she bent down and smiled at him.
“What an adorable little boy,” she said with open admiration.
I smiled as she reached out to tickle his chubby hand.
“Hi there,” she cooed at him, “How are you?”
In a flash, he dropped the wrapper and reached out for her jangly Christmas bracelet.
“Do you like that?” she asked with a bright smile, letting him grab hold of the bracelet.
Bubbers looked up and gave the smallest flicker of a smile in return.
She laughed and stood up, “He sure is cute!”
I thanked her and she went back to work.
After that, every time she passed by our table, she paused to smile warmly at the jolly Bubbers man and let him have a couple tugs at her bracelet.
Then during one of her last visits, she unexpectedly placed a dollar bill on the table next to my plate.
Looking at Bubbers she kindly explained, “This dollar is for you, Sweetie, because you’re so darn cute. It’s for your savings account, okay?”
My mouth dropped open.
I managed a shocked smile and sincere, “Thank you!” before she went off to work again.
I looked down at the dollar bill.
“Well!” I said, looking back at the Bubbers man who began gnawing on the table, “I guess this means you’re getting a savings account!”
To be continued…..
Still surprised at the generosity of our kind waitress, we carefully took home Bubbers’ first dollar.
It took up residence on my nightstand until the holidays were over and we had time to delve into the exciting world of baby savings accounts.
When that time came, I poked around the internet and did a little research to see what this was all about.
Mentally, I prepared the list of things I’d need to prove my son’s existence and true identity as the Bubbers king, since he didn’t have any photo ID, yet.
“Let’s see…..,” I thought, “Hospital bracelets, ink footprints, ceramic hand print, about 2 million digital photographs, along with 42 home video tapes and let’s not forget his dried up umbilical cord that fell off….. That should do it, right?”
I gathered my supplies and told Bubbers we were going to the bank the next day!
He smiled and ran over my foot with his walker.
When he woke up the next day, I fed him and changed his diaper.
“We’re going to open an account for you today!” I explained, “What would you like to wear for your official business at the bank?”
I was surprised when he absolutely insisted on wearing his Sunday best.
“Are you sure?” I pressed, “Because I’m just gonna wear jeans and a parka…..”
He grabbed a tube of Desitin and shoved it in his mouth.
“Oh, wow,” I said, “Okay, if that’s how you feel about it….. By the way, may I have a turn with that when you’re finished?”
He rolled over and carefully inspected a piece of lint on the carpet.
I finished dressing him and between random squeals aimed at the ottoman, he begged me to take his picture.
After all, he was going to the bank like a big boy in his Sunday best.
And that just doesn’t happen every day around here.
So I willingly obliged.
“Say cheese!” I said and took a picture.
I thought he looked so nice and cute!
But when Bubbers saw the picture, he didn’t think it was quite good enough.
It didn’t do justice to his heightened level of excitement for this special occasion.
So he asked to try again.
“No problem!” I replied, “Say cheese!”
(Holy smokes! Can this kid get you laughing or what?!)
Granted, Bubbers decided he may have been a wee bit overzealous in the excitement department.
So, he asked to do it again.
This time he’d play it a little more cool.
You know, less hyper tense facial muscles and stuff.
“Say cheese!” I said again.
Oooh, the perfect mixture of laid back coolness and elevated anticipation.
Ready to tackle a monumental day trip to the local financial institution.
(What a cutie!)
After that, Bubbers suddenly switched gears and wanted to get down to business.
Show some of that green stuff.
And let the serious side of his personality take a turn.
(After all, it’s not every day that he gets a whole dollar all to himself!)
Once the dollar was sufficiently crumpled, Bubbers decided he was ready to go.
So I took him out to the car and we loaded up.
We pulled out of the garage and I wiped a few tears.
In just a few moments, my little son would become a man.
To be continued…..
(Okay, yeah–so that’s not really my couch.)
(Not that it really matters.)
(But I just thought you should know.)
(And okay–so I didn’t really cry.)
(But if I’d thought about it, I would have.)
(Okay fine–that’s not really my son, either.)
(Oh, wait, yes it is.)
Sitting in his car seat, Bubbers pulled at his shoes and babbled out the side window.
We arrived shortly and I parked in an empty spot.
I unloaded the Bubbers king and strapped him into his umbrella stroller.
Then I headed for a nearby ramp until I noticed a security guard taking a smoke break on it and veered quickly to a ramp on the opposite side of the building.
Before getting on the ramp, I took a deep breath and stopped the Bubbers man.
I knelt down and looked him in the eye.
“This is the final frontier,” I explained, “Once we walk through those doors, your days of financial carelessness are over. Are you ready?”
Yanking at his stroller buckle and squealing loudly, he looked at me.
“Yes,” he answered, “As long as you take a picture of me before we go in.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, grabbing my cheek and digging his finger nails into my soft flesh.
“Okay,” I stood up, took another deep breath and pressed the shutter release button.
During this momentous occasion, some people walked by and stared at us.
I didn’t pay them any mind, but Bubbers became quite concerned.
He looked up and asked me, “Why are they all staring at us? Is something wrong?”
“Oh no, Honey,” I reassured him lightly, “They just think I’m nuts standing out here in the middle of the sidewalk taking pictures of you in your Sunday best. Apparently, they haven’t read my blog and don’t know what an important day this is for you.”
Suddenly, Bubbers turned into a paranoid maniac.
“No, that’s not true!” he cried, trying to suck on a nearby wall, “They do read your blog and they know why I’m here….. and they’re trying to steal my first dollar!!”
I stared at him, wondering what had gone so completely wrong with my story.
“Um….. that’s highly unlikely,” I replied with raised eyebrows, “Trust me, your first dollar is safe and sound in my pocket.”
But he wasn’t listening.
An old feeble man had just gotten out of his car and started to slowly approach us.
Urgently, Bubbers grabbed me by the front of my parka and pulled me down close to his stroller.
“I don’t like the looks of that guy. Just pretend nothing out of the ordinary is going on and keep taking pictures,” he whispered in my ear, sucking on my parka and never taking his eyes off the old feeble man, “I’ll keep a look out and make sure he doesn’t try anything funny.”
“Uh….. okay,” I whispered back, wondering who this baby was and what the heck had happened to my sweet Bubbers king.
I stood up and did as I was told.
Bubbers glared suspiciously at the old feeble man until he was out of sight.
Wondering what on earth would happen next, I watched Bubbers carefully.
To my relief, he immediately relaxed back to his normal, level-headed self.
“Ah-bah-bah!!” he exclaimed loudly, waving both hands at a nearby street lamp.
Then he looked up at me and I melted.
“Ahhh, now that’s the Bubbers I know and love!” I smiled warmly at my precious son.
Just then a woman spoke to me.
“Excuse me,” she said and I looked up.
I hadn’t noticed her coming down the ramp.
“Excuse me,” she repeated, “But you’re not allowed to take pictures on bank property.”
To be continued…..
“Excuse me,” the lady coming down the ramp repeated, “But you’re not allowed to take pictures on bank property.”
I stared at her for a long second, her unexpected words swirling around in my brain, trying to be processed.
“Really??” I finally replied, unconsciously tightening the grip on my DSLR camera.
At this point, she was off the ramp and began slowly walking backwards towards the parking lot so we could continue our conversation.
“Yes,” she nodded and then smiled, “I just wanted to tell you in case someone gave you a hard time about it.”
She was still walking backwards and she motioned in the general direction of the bank as the “someone” who might give me a hard time about it.
“Oh, well, thank you,” I said, not sure who she was or what to do with the 56 illegal pictures I’d just taken on bank property.
“You’re welc–,” she began when suddenly her left foot misstepped off the edge of the sidewalk.
Immediately, she lost her balance and started wildly swinging her arms as she fell straight back with a quiet thud onto the cold winter sidewalk.
Completely shocked, I just stared at the poor woman laying on the ground.
Finally I came to myself and called, “Are you all right??!!”
She just laid there.
And completely still.
To be continued…..
My heart lurched.
Why isn’t she answering me??!!
I felt glued to the sidewalk as I stared at her still form.
“Are you all right?!” I called again.
Again, she didn’t answer.
Leaving Bubbers sitting happily in his stroller, I ran to her side and knelt down on the sidewalk.
What do I do?! What do I do?! I screamed inside.
I looked around at the parked cars, but they were no help.
Then my instincts suddenly screamed, CPR! Do CPR!!
CPR?….. CPR! That’s it!!
I looked down into her face.
Her eyes were open and she was looking straight up into the sky.
I paused, eyeing her more closely.
She was clinging to her purse and holding stark still.
This doesn’t look right, I thought, She’s still breathing and has a heartbeat!
If I hadn’t had a camera in my hands, I would have wrung them desperately.
Oh great–this is terrible, I cried out inside, That means I can’t do CPR–so now what??!!
Back to square one.
“Are you all right?” I asked yet again, having no earthly clue of what else to do.
I stared at her.
Please say something, I pleaded inside.
“I hit my tail bone,” she said softly, holding completely still and not taking her eyes off the sky.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
“What can I do?” I asked, “Can I help you up?”
She didn’t answer, so I took that as a ‘no.’
“Can I get someone to help?” I tried again.
“Yes,” she said, “Go inside and tell Bob to get Bill.”
I was immediately on my feet and heading towards the door when I stopped and looked back.
“What’s your name??” I called.
“Sue,” she answered.
“And do you work here?”
I grabbed Bubbers’ stroller and raced him up the ramp.
“What’s wrong??” a man on the ramp asked me as I passed him with lightning speed.
“Sue fell and hit her tail bone and I’m telling Bob to get Bill!!” I called back to him as I yanked the bank’s door open and ran inside.
To be continued…..
I burst into the bank’s foyer and looked around hastily for someone who looked like a Bob, so I could tell him to get Bill and help poor Sue lying flat on her back out on the sidewalk.
But all I saw were females everywhere I turned.
Is Bob a woman?? I thought suddenly.
Not knowing what else to do, I began approaching the nearest woman to ask if her name was Bob, when a security guard entered the building.
I immediately recognized him as the man having a smoke break when I’d arrived at the bank.
Oh, surely he can help me! I thought desperately.
Catching his attention, I hurriedly pointed outside and explained, “Sue fell and hit her tail bone and now she’s outside laying on the sidewalk and needs Bill to come help her.”
The security guard just stood there and looked at me like I was completely nuts.
“Come again?” he asked slowly with a blank stare.
I quickly repeated myself with even more gesticulating, hoping to convey a sense of urgency and the need for immediate action.
He blinked a couple times and finally nodded, “Okay.”
Then he walked off into the bank and I swung Bubbers back around and out the door.
Sue was still laying on the ground and I told her Bill was coming.
It wasn’t long before Bill and the security guard joined us and I sighed with relief.
Bill immediately knelt down and administered to Sue by talking to her calmly and helping her roll onto her side and then slowly sit up.
As she sat resting on the sidewalk, Bill turned to me.
“Did you see what happened?”
“Yes,” I nodded, feeling terrible that this whole thing had started because of my 56 illegal pictures of Bubbers and his first dollar.
“Did he see what happened?”
Bill was looking at the Bubbers king who was sitting in his stroller and sucking on the nearest inanimate object.
“Who him??” I pointed at the salivating Bubbers.
“Yes, him,” Bill replied firmly, “We’re going to need statements from all the witnesses.”
He handed me a legal pad and a pen.
“Write down what you saw,” he told me, his eyes boring into mine.
Then he knelt down next to Bubbers and said, “Tell me who did it.”
Bubbers stopped sucking long enough to give Bill the stink eye and answer: [Click here]
“Ha, ha,” I laughed nervously and gave Bubbers my own stink eye, “He’s just joking.”
Bill looked at me suspiciously, but all he said was, “Uh-huh.”
Feeling betrayed by my own son, I wrote down exactly what happened and handed it to Bill.
By this time, Sue was feeling much better, so Bill helped her stand up slowly.
Then she looked at me with an apologetic smile, “I’m so sorry I scared you.”
“No!” I replied, “I’m so sorry you fell! I hope you’re okay.”
“Oh, I’ll be fine,” she insisted as Bill and the security guard helped her walk back into the bank to rest.
Bubbers and I silently watched them go.
Then we slowly turned to each other with wide eyes.
“Can you believe that?” I asked, “I had no idea all of this would happen because a sweet waitress gave you a dollar!!”
Bubbers kicked his feet and waved at a nearby bush.
I laughed and shook my head.
Then I reached down and cupped his chubby cheeks.
“What do you say we go in and open that account of yours now?”
Bubbers grasped my hands and smiled up at me.
I smiled back, “Okay, here we go!”
Then I stood up, grabbed a hold of the stroller and pushed Bubbers towards the bank door.
[Okay, so yeah, I didn’t tell Bill that I had been taking illegal pictures on bank property. And I didn’t delete them. And I hope I don’t go to jail.]