Why Heidi will never be voted Mormon Wife of the Year

January 17th, 2008

I have always been insecure about my ability to cook–or rather, the lack thereof.

And today, yet again, I have proven this lack of skill by the contents of this bowl.

PICT0017 edited

But before I reveal the pitiful contents of this bowl, I’m taking you back about seven years to the first time I ever attended a Homemaking class at church–where my cooking insecurities all began…..

—–

Charming and I were fresh newly weds and I had grand dreams of cooking wonderful, delicious meals for the two of us.

While we were still new in our first ward, they announced a Homemaking class for all the sisters to learn about cooking.

Awesome!! I thought, What better way to start my marriage than with some great tips on cooking how-to’s??

So, Charming drove me to the activity and dropped me off at the church.

After waving goodbye, I went in and sat down with a bunch of sisters I didn’t know.

The instructor was a friendly young woman who looked eager to begin the class. I smiled, excited to learn from her.

She began and introduced herself. She was a professional chef for a local fancy restaurant I didn’t know.

Then she pulled out an array of ingredients I didn’t recognize and demonstrated how to prepare a fancy hors d’oeuvre I’d never heard of.

My heart began to drop.

Umm, I thought, This isn’t quite what I was expecting….. Wasn’t this supposed to be Cooking for Dummies 101, instead of Gourmet Kitchen 540?

All the other women in the audience were exclaiming things like, “Oh, that’s just divine!” and “That will go perfectly with my glingershloppin!” and other such nonsense I didn’t understand.

My heart began to pound.

Then the instructor passed out a list of “What every household kitchen absolutely must have.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Oh good, I thought A list. I can handle a list.

I got one and started to read it.

What the–?? I thought, What are these things??

My heart started to pound again when I realized I didn’t recognize a single thing on the list.

The instructor went through the list and explained why you needed each item.

“The first thing you need is a doodlenoggin,” she said, “You use it to chop shnizzercakes and make really tender klockerdocks.”

I froze.

Then I blinked.

Then I looked around.

Is she even speaking English? I wanted to ask the lady sitting next to me.

But the lady was watching the instructor with rapt attention, nodding and smiling.

“Yes, klockerdocks, of course,” she murmured to herself, making a quick note to herself.

I felt completely alone in my gaping ignorance and began praying for the night to just end.

Finally it was over and Charming was there to take me home.

As I got in the car, he asked cheerfully, “How did it go??”

Seeing the hopefulness on his face that clearly said, “Boy, I hope you learned how to make some yummy meals for my hearty manly appetite” was the final straw for me.

I burst into hysterical tears.

“Holy cow, Heidi!” he exclaimed, “What on earth is wrong??”

On the way home I told him all about what a terrible wife he’d married who didn’t know anything about cooking fancy hors d’oeuvres with fancy ingredients.

“And this!” I cried holding up the list with a fresh round of tears streaming down my face, “I’m supposed to have all this stuff and I don’t even know what they ARE!….. And even if I had them all, I’d have no idea how to USE them!”

I was a complete and total wreck of sobs.

Charming looked at me and then he looked at the paper in my hand.

Without saying a word, he grabbed the paper and threw it out the car window!!

Then he kept driving as if nothing had happened.

Absolutely stunned, I finally stammered, “What–what did you do that for??”

“Because,” he explained (and this is why I love this man with every ounce of my soul), “if it’s making you this upset, then there’s no reason to keep it.”

—–

And thus began my culinary insecurities and why inviting people over for dinner makes me break out into a cold sweat.

I can’t help thinking of the list and I secretly wonder if they know what klockerdocks are…..

—–

Which brings us back to this bowl.

PICT0017 edited

Tonight we’re having the missionaries over for dinner.

The missionaries, as you may know, are poor starving young men who’ll eat buttered sawdust and hungrily ask for seconds.

And yet, if you can believe it, even they make me nervous.

So, I carefully planned a very simple meal and this morning was trying to prepare a few simple things ahead of time.

I figured we should have some kind of fruit with our meal and canned pears are one of the only fruits Charming will eat.

Canned pears, I thought, That’s simple. I can do that.

I opened a can and put it in a bowl.

Then I realized we’d need at least two cans for all of us.

So, holding Bubbers (who is congested and a bit more clingy than usual), I went out to the food storage for another can of pears.

I reached in the tub of canned pears and pulled one out.

Then I went back to the kitchen, opened the can and poured it into the bowl.

What the–???? I thought in confusion when I saw this.

PICT0020

Then I realized what I’d done and just shook my head.

Stupid list, I thought to myself, Stupid, stupid list.

RSS feed

17 Comments

Jesse | 1/17/2008 1:56 pm

Three reasons you should feel deserving of the Mormon wife of the year award: 1)Hosting the missionaries for dinner 2)You have food storage- Yea! 3)You handled the situation with a clingy baby on your hip. If that doesn’t qualify ya, we’re all in trouble.

 
m | 1/17/2008 2:40 pm

A few things here:

– Heidi seriously makes the BEST glingershloppin around. It is to die for.
– If you Google “glingershloppin”, this blog is the only hit. Awesome.
– Also, I love Heidi’s “tender klockerdocks”…

Great post, Love!

 
Apple | 1/17/2008 7:18 pm

You are way better than me…we eat frozen dinners half the time (and my hubby couldn’t care less…that’s why I love him). He eats anything I put in front of him no matter what it looks like and believe me, I have fed him some doozies. HA HA

 
Tearese | 1/17/2008 7:21 pm

oh Heidi, you are so ahead of me…95% of the time, Joseph still cooks all of our big meals. I figure he likes to do it and I hate it with a passion, so he might as well cook.
Even though he’s attending school and working…both full time.

My cooking repertoire consists of peach crisp, candied yams, and canned soup. And the odd grilled tuna sandwich.

 
Heidi | 1/17/2008 7:41 pm

Oh, you all are too funny! I am happy to report that the dinner ended up going very well and I was extremely pleased!
—–
Jesse: Your three reasons totally cracked me up–I definitely hadn’t thought about it that way… :):)
—–
Charming: I just about split my side open laughing so hard at your comment! What would I do without you??
—–
Apple: Oh, your husband sounds awesome!! It sounds like you two have this food stuff all figured out! :)
—–
Tearese: That’s too funny! If I’m feeling particularly insecure, I have no qualms about passing things off to Charming and having him fire up the grill and make cheeseburgers to go around. (And I’m a little afraid to ask, but…..grilled tuna??)

 
Pam | 1/17/2008 8:49 pm

Absolutely loved the replies to your post, Heidi, as well as the post itself. What a great guy you are married to! I love Jesse’s positive outlook. I laughed all the way through your story about the Relief Society class. Truly understand where you’re coming from, there.

Thanks for dropping by my blog, and especially for your thoughtful post. I have been debating whether I really want to blog. That and the mid-winter blues are the reason nothing new has been posted since before Christmas.

 
Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life | 1/17/2008 10:45 pm

Okay, I googled “glingershloppin” and M’s right, it’s the only hit. You gotta love it when you are the only hit from Google.

Truly this is a wonderful post. At least it wasn’t chili. My motto is, “It could be worse.”

 
whimsy | 1/18/2008 8:54 am

As far as I’m concerned, FRUIT + OTHER FRUIT = GOOD. Every time. It’s a Law of the Universe that all fruit can live in harmony together. I love that.

 
Heidi | 1/18/2008 9:10 am

Pam: Oh, I’m so glad you’re doing okay! I was a little worried, so I’m glad to hear from you! I was thinking about you yesterday as I made my first batch of banana bread in forever (5 frozen bananas down–only 95 more to go!). I thought, “Pam would be proud of me!” :) And you understand how I felt in my story? Hallelujah!! :) I hope the mid-winter blues pass soon and you enjoy your mall walking.
—–
Lynne: LOL! Thanks so much for stopping by and for your dear comment–I can’t tell you how happy I am that you liked my post! And funny that you should mention chili….. Charming detests my chili. I never realized there was anything wrong with it until I made it for him and he said, “This isn’t chili. This is spaghetti sauce and beans.” “Yeah,” I replied, “Isn’t that what chili is?” Being from the south he shook his head, “No, Honey, that’s not what chili is.” So, now we have separate “Heidi Chili” and “Charming Chili” and the two shall never meet. :)
—–
Whimsy: I love it!! That’s certainly how I feel–I figured it was a new kind of fruit cocktail. But, unfortunately, canned peaches are NOT one of the fruits that Charming will eat….. Apparently, he’s not aware of that particular Law of the Universe. Would you mind explaining it to him?? :)

 
Charlotte | 1/18/2008 3:09 pm

Enrichment night often leaves me in tears too;) I think if the worst thing you’ve ever fed the missionaries is mixed peaches and pears then you are definitely still in the running for Mormon Housewife of the Year! I enjoyed reading your story – very well written!

 
Andrea | 1/18/2008 5:08 pm

Heidi!!!!
you are too funny!!! i can’t believe you would do something like that! i thought you would be a better cook than me. i give you credit for trying! it’s all in good fun, but seriously that just made my day! thank you so very much!

 
Ailene Hert | 1/19/2008 9:07 am

Go Charming for throwing that paper out the window! That is AWESOME!!! :) I wish my husband would do that… hehehehe…

It’s funny how things go wrong with cooking when you’re having someone over! We just recently had the missionaries over for dinner, and we were having tacos (ground beef and taco toppings… assemble it yourself, easy enough)!

One of the missionaries was going through the tortillas, and then casually mentioned to us, “just so you know, some of these tortillas are moldy.”

I told him he could just scrape it off. My husband was mortified.

 
Heidi | 1/19/2008 6:22 pm

Charlotte: Oh, I wish that was the worst thing I’ve ever fed the missionaries! :) (And I actually didn’t feed them that–I had to separate out the peaches because I knew Charming wouldn’t like them. Then I drained all the juice and got a REAL can of pears to add to the first can). But I appreciate your confidence in my merits as a Mormon housewife! :) And thank you for your very kind compliment–it means a ton coming from an award winning writer like yourself!
—–
Andrea: LOL!! I’m thrilled that I made your day and dispelled any myths you may have had about me being a good cook! :)
—–
Ailene: LOL! I was so shocked when he did it and I think I even asked him to turn around and get it, “But-but-but, Love, how am I going to know what I HAVE to have, if we don’t have that paper?!?!?” Fortunately, he didn’t listen to me! :) And I LOVED your missionaries story–totally reminds me of another time I was preparing dinner for the elders and our burger buns were moldy… :)

 
Ailene Hert | 1/19/2008 8:53 pm

You wanted to turn around and get the list? Haha, how funny… :)

I always enjoy your stories!

 
Heidi | 1/19/2008 9:05 pm

Yeah, can you believe that? Even though it was making me miserable, I believed the lady when she said I had to have all that stuff. And I suppose she was right–if you’re a professional chef. But if you’re NOT (like me), you’d be just fine without it. And I’m so glad you like my stories! I love having someone to tell them to. :)

 
Kara | 1/20/2008 10:14 am

I love your posts! I think most of us can identify with your insecurities.
As a newlywed, I went to an enrichment night about cooking Thanksgiving dinner. There was this really good turkey that someone brought and told us how to make. It was a smoked turkey instead of baked in the oven. We didn’t have any family around, so I figured I’d try to make this turkey for us. So the night before thankgiving, we went to the store. I had no idea how long it took to defrost a frozen turkey! We cooked it anyway, but I don’t think the inside part ever thawed. We ended up cutting off peices and smoking them individually. It was very flavorful…. but it was so tough, it was like turkey jerky! I haven’t tried it since then.

 
Heidi | 1/21/2008 11:18 am

Kara: Wow, thank you! I didn’t realize what a chord this post would strike amidst fellow housewives, but I’m glad it did! That story about your turkey is too funny! Turkey jerkey–LOL! I remember being shocked the first time (and the only time, come to think of it) I cooked a turkey on my own. They do take forever to thaw AND cook!! Smoked turkey does sound good, though… :)

 

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.